There's no turning back | amstevens23's Blog
Jose and I had a long..emotional conversation last night, I'm glad we finally said everything that has been building up in our minds but, I dont know exactly how I feel about it. I'm happy its out and we know what we really want out of this relationship but a part of me is still afraid this won't work. I really really really want it to work out. It really hurt me when he mentioned seperating but the reality was that I knew that would come up in the conversation. Obviously we both had those thoughts about how our lives would differ without each other, we both thought about what would happen if we went our seperate ways.. but when I look at it, all I could see is that I would hurt for a really long time. If he left me I'm afraid I wouldn't be strong enough to take care of things that matter the most.. Joseph... and myself. I know how I am and how strong my emotions are I just hope our relationship doesn't go that route. I really want to help myself now to help our relationship along the way. I'm all up for helping our relationship grow for the better but, I could only do so much, Jose is in this relationship too. If he doesn't want to be with me and make changes and look forward this won't change. I feel soo much better from just hearing the truth after so long, I was drained emotionally from crying and pouring everything out "on the table" but It made me feel like there's still hope, I could still hope for the best and that we will still be Angela and Jose. I want this family together but I want love in this family and thats something we need to work on. I have no problem giving love to this family its the love I need to give to myself for all of this to work. I know Jose has a lot to work out for himself but thats out of my hands all I can do is show him how much I care about him and how much I DO LOVE HIM. My stubborness has gotten in the way of my feelings but once I get hurt its like all that love I really do feel for him just turns to pain when I hear about how I look on the outside. Like last night.. when he said if my soul doesnt love your soul it won't work, it just felt like a knife to my heart to hear he's not in love with me. All I want is Jose to love me but I can't force him, I want it to be real and straight from his heart and I will know when and if its real or not. I really felt the disconnection we've had for the past couple of days it was something I've never felt in this relationship before. We've had our fights and arguments but this time it was different and it really scared me I had no one to turn to so I decided to write out my feelings and I'm glad I did because, my true raw feelings were written into a blog and he had the chance to read it for himself and it helped me because I wouldn't have been able to say it as I really want to say it, I've always been better with writing my words than speaking with them. I want this man to be my husband one day, I can't see anybody else that would fill his shoes. I could never have anyone like him, because hes the only one and thats how I'd like it to be. I just hope that he'll be able to feel the same way about me...(.. before its too late) We've built so much together, I can't imagine the pain of seeing it all crumble. He's right, I am lucky he isn't that person to just leave, any other relationship would have ended last night but hes still here. We have a son together and as I said when he first asked me if we should get married.. (in his mom's house when we first found out I was pregnant) I don't want to get married just because we have a kid together, I want to be married because I'm loved and because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. As he said... those words mean alot.. they mean alot to me too because I don't want to be divorced .. ever. Maybe thats why we never did get married.. because in the back of our minds we've always had the thought of .. if we get married will it last or will I be happy. We have alot together, I want this for us, Joseph deserves a family and mother and father both in the home. I can't imagine him without either of us. I can't imagine him going back and forth from one person to the other. It just doesn't fit him, he doesn't deserve that seperation. But it takes two people to make a relationship work. I really hope we are strong enough to make this work and just to love each other. We shouldn't have to try to love each other, I know its not Jose I have to learn to love, its me. When I love myself, he'll be able to see how I really feel about him. I put myself in the way, I could look back and just see myself, I could see my face and my mannerisms, I don't like it but what was going through my mind was all self-loathing of how much I wasn't happy with myself that no one could ever be happy with me.. thats what it was and thats what I have to get past. I really feel a change, it was like a realization, a reality check and maybe that needed to happen to put it all on the table ... this is what I have, do you want to lose this? my answer is no, I don't want to lose this, I've been waiting for something to motivate me, for me to leave this person behind (this person inside of me who doesn't like ME) I just hate that It had to be something I cherish the most, my family. But if thats what it takes for me to change I will do it. Because I want this, I really want this. I don't know how Jose feels this morning but I feel I have already took a step forward just from hearing what needed to said. I want him in my future and not just as Josephs dad but as my husband forever...when he's ready I'm here. I'll be here waiting. God, i want this to work, if theres one gift you can give me, give me this. I don't want to hurt myself anymore, I just want the security to know that my family will always be my family. Now is the time.
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Previous PostsIt doesn't feel real, posted December 30th, 2012
There's no turning back, posted December 28th, 2012
****** life., posted December 27th, 2012
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