amstevens23's Blog

I feel numb... ok, well... this morning I woke up from a really bad dream, which I posted in dreammoods.com  under relationships.. ugh. well the dream was about jose.. he cheated on me and I caught him  aaannnddd I killed the girl  I ended up in prison and I had to watch my mom and dad carry Joseph away..that sums up the dream. so I woke up feeling really really bad I just had a terrible feeling.. I posted my dream on dreammoods.com  to  have it interpreted  which I also tried to define it myself online and it said something about being guilty and that dreaming of cheating is insecurities or that it really is happening which I couldn't and won't dare to believe. He called and asked for some money..so I got ready and joseph ready to take it over to him, he asked if I could leave it in his truck but when I arrived he was already outside...everything seemed ok but I still felt shitty. I went back home and got some money, I took jospeh down to the swap meet... but I really just wanted to go to my auntie sharon's house to talk. I figured to just take joseph to my dads house to visit so I could visit but he wasn't home so I just took him there. my aunt and I had a really long hurtful conversation, I was just so much in pain, I just let it all out onto her and just cried, I was afraid that me and jose wouldn't make it in our relatioinship. I cried and prayed with her that things will all be ok and things would work out. I stayed for about 2 hours talking with her, I think jojo was scared to see me crying but he was there..hugging me.  we went home and I cleaned and waited for jose, it took him almost a whole extra hour to get off of work. he came home and took his time, he got ready and we went to globe to buy joseph shoes and my cleansing products. he bought beer and we went home. the whole time I just didnt feel good, he didnt seem himself, he was the person he becomes when hes drinking and in the truck. when he wasn't looking or not around.. I cried alittle, it hurt me because he didnt want to really talk to me about whats been going on he just wanted to drink and listen to music. we came home and drank alittle outside and smoked a couple cigarettes and everything was starting to feel.. somewhat ok  but there was still that...disconnection.  we came back in and everything was fine for about 20 minutes until his cell phone was buzzing, he went up stairs and I seen a picture of a girl..."kris"  I was so upset  I ran up the stairs and asked who's kris, who is this, who is this!? he was starting to push me away and said shes just a friend, who is she, who is she, where did you meet her, how do you know her? he was looking out the window and honestly I was expecting to see her but it was loren I was so upset I ran down stairs and asked him do you know about kris, who is kris, do you know her and he was just looking at me all...kinda shocked. he just said no, not knowing what was going on. jose came out and said he has nothing to do with it, its between me and you, he apologzed to loren and said sorry you had to come in the middle of this. I was so upset I wanted so much to cry but I couldnt but I was really upset. I had so many questions and  he didnt want to answer but eventually after I calmed down he told me, they met at apache burger.. where he works..and they've only been talking, I asked if they had sex and he said no, they've only talked at work and on the phone and its been going on for about 3 weeks or so..and the night he took off, he wasn't with her but he was talking on the phone to her. i knew he was talking to someone on the phone but i didnt know who because loren was working. everything all made sense why he was on the phone talking half the night and why hes been so distant. I really wanted to work things out bit it just wasn't going to happen. we calmly talked about what would happen next, I'm moving out.. I'm gonna live with my parents and we talked about what I could take and how things would work. he said.. its not so much about the girl but she did indeed push the break up but that he was unhappy for a really long time and that he's been "looking" for a long time, but i knew that and thats where my insecurities were and i was right about them. he said he's always had the lust in his eyes that no matter what he couldnt change. I wanted to settle down and he really tried but its just not how he wants to be. we actually.. just held each other and cried and said we were sorry that things couldnt work out for us but we have to keep things civil for our son. I made him read my last blog while I went to my parents house at 11 o clock at night to break the news.. they both said they knew it that they knew something was going on with him and it was my mom who predicted that he was seeing someone from apache burger.. tj noline does hire "pretty"  It seemed like the only time I really cried was when I told my parents, I held it together but i did cry. they were shocked but it was only for a brief moment. I dont know how I feel, I'm upset but it just doesnt feel real yet, I'm laying next to him right now, he has to get up to work in about an hour, I can't sleep. I just can't feel it yet but I know I'll be crying when I'm packing up all my stuff. we did have a good talk....it wasn't like an argument I was only bitter when I first found out about the girl but it just went away because he said i wouldnt end our relationship for a girl I just met 3 weeks ago but it did help end it, its been building up for a long time and if we continue "i'd only be hurting you" and its true. It sounds weird but I felt him missing in my heart. I really felt a piece of emptiness in my heart and it hurt and thats what I felt this morning.. this morning hurt more than it hurts now...for now. I dont know how I'll feel later, I know it will hit me sleeping in a bed alone at my parents house with jojo. he said...be strong, you wont be alone, i'll be the one who will be alone because when I come home from work everything will be gone. its true but I just cant help to think that hes only gonna be single for a short amount of time. its gonna hurt to see them together or just even see him by himself without me and jojo or him with jojo leaving me. i didnt want this, I couldnt imagine this happening to me and I still can't believe it. he said the same that it doesnt feel real it just feels like another night. but tomorrow theres gonna be alot of changes being made. I more upset when I think of jojo. Im so tired but I just can't sleep my head hurts and my eyes wont shut. I don't know how to get past this but I do have a plan.. I'm still gonna stick to the plan that I made but I'm gonna start going to church with my auntie. I've been wanting to go for so long, I've been trying to hint to him. theres another thing I mentioned when we were just telling eachother how we felt, I was crying.. I said I had a secret that I really really wanted another baby with him and I was hoping joseph could have a sister.. or even brother.. I cried telling him that, I was in his arms laying in bed with him and I just cried he told me not to cry and be strong. I know its gonna be along time before I start dating. I have to improve myself first but thats the last thing on my mind.. but it is on my mind that I don't want to be alone. but I dont want to rush into something and end it quickly...I just want to be happy and finish school begin nursing and have my own things he asked me... what do you want from me.. i dont want to leave you with nothing and I just asked.. if he could help me get a car. for me and jojo..hes giving me a truck..his favorite only because I can't drive standard only until he gets me a car. I'm at least glad that we could make these decisions without fighting but its only the first night and we havent literally left eachother yet so we'll see how it feels in the morning.. I'm ok...i think its because I prayed alot today and he mentioned which I forgot myself... that I saged the entire house even salted the outside of the house. he said maybe if i didnt and we or I drank more this could have gotten really ugly or physical. I reread my blogs now that I know the truth.. and I could see that I knew..I knew what was going on but I just didnt want to believe it. I couldnt allow myself to believe that he would be unfaithful, at least he didnt have sex that would have been a baseball bat to the chest but to know he already found someone sucks. it makes me feel shitty but everything happens for a reason.. it explains all the dreams ive been having...I interpreted one of the dreams and it mentioned that I would been facing some life changing decisions.. its so real but It doesnt feel real, I can't believe it, it's gonna hurt. ha, we tried to have sex one last time... it didnt feel like anything.. it was..nothing. I just kept thinking about who this girl is but I don't want to think about her or know anything about her if I do that I'll only be hurting myself and like he said.. dont blame it on her because its him that is to blame and for once I'm agreeing with him that he was wrong. I don't know how to feel.he asked me not to self medicate myself and I wont.. I've actually only been drinking because he has and I only started smoking because he has I just wanted some kind of common interest or a reason to spend time with him but it didnt work. Honestly I dont want to drink and I dont like smoking. actually I was surprised when he started smoking alot and thats when things got bad and I have a feeling shes  a smoker. it hurts, it hurts when I think about him and someone else, it was my one true fear but now I'm scared because I dont know how my life will become. I'm afraid, I'm being thrown back to the wolves. I have no security now, I do have my parents which have no problem supporting me and jose said he will help financially but you know it will only be for me for a short amount of time and the rest will and should go to joseph. well... I'm getting a job soon...and I start school again but what sucks is.. josephs 3rd birthday is on the 7th and my 25th birthday is on the 23rd and we had concert tickets for the 26th we mentioned it lol but so far its up in the air he said i would give it to you but it will be weird for who your gonna take and i'm scared to just know who he will take.. maybe thats just not important.. well its not. damn... I was planning a big birthday party for joseph.. it sucks because holidays and birthdays will never be the same. hes not happy and he can't make him happy we already said this wont work and we've had nearly 4 years to fix it. I know my mistakes and I hope to learn and grow from it. god help me.

My mood: extremely numb

Jose and I had a long..emotional conversation last night, I'm glad we finally said everything that has been building up in our minds but,  I  dont  know  exactly  how  I  feel about it. I'm  happy its  out  and  we  know  what  we  really want  out  of  this  relationship  but  a  part  of  me  is  still  afraid  this  won't  work.  I  really  really  really  want  it  to  work  out.  It  really  hurt me  when  he  mentioned  seperating  but  the  reality  was  that  I  knew  that  would  come  up  in  the  conversation.  Obviously  we  both  had  those  thoughts  about  how  our  lives  would  differ  without  each other,  we  both  thought  about  what  would  happen  if  we  went  our  seperate  ways.. but  when  I  look  at  it,  all  I  could  see  is  that  I  would  hurt  for  a  really  long  time.  If  he  left  me  I'm  afraid  I  wouldn't  be  strong  enough  to  take  care  of  things  that  matter  the  most.. Joseph... and  myself. I  know  how  I  am  and  how  strong  my  emotions  are  I  just  hope  our  relationship  doesn't  go  that  route.  I  really  want  to  help  myself  now  to  help  our  relationship  along  the  way. I'm  all  up for  helping  our  relationship  grow  for  the  better  but,  I  could  only  do  so  much,  Jose  is  in  this  relationship  too.  If  he  doesn't  want  to  be  with  me  and  make  changes  and  look  forward  this  won't  change.  I  feel  soo much  better  from  just  hearing  the  truth  after  so  long,  I  was  drained  emotionally  from  crying  and  pouring  everything  out  "on  the  table"  but  It  made  me  feel  like  there's  still hope,  I  could  still  hope  for  the  best  and  that  we  will  still  be  Angela  and  Jose.  I  want  this  family  together  but  I  want  love  in  this  family  and  thats  something  we  need  to  work  on.  I  have  no  problem  giving  love  to  this  family  its  the  love  I  need  to  give  to  myself  for  all of  this  to  work.  I  know  Jose  has  a  lot  to  work  out  for  himself  but  thats  out  of  my  hands  all  I  can  do  is  show  him  how  much  I  care  about  him  and  how  much  I DO  LOVE HIM.  My  stubborness has  gotten  in  the  way  of  my  feelings  but  once  I  get  hurt  its  like  all that  love  I  really  do  feel  for  him  just  turns  to  pain  when  I  hear  about  how  I  look  on  the  outside.  Like  last  night.. when  he  said  if  my  soul  doesnt  love  your  soul  it  won't  work,  it  just  felt  like  a  knife  to  my  heart  to  hear  he's  not  in  love  with  me.  All  I  want  is  Jose  to  love  me  but  I  can't  force  him,  I  want  it  to  be  real  and  straight  from  his  heart  and  I  will  know  when  and  if  its  real  or  not.  I  really  felt  the  disconnection  we've  had  for  the  past  couple  of  days  it  was  something  I've  never  felt  in  this  relationship  before.  We've  had  our  fights  and  arguments  but  this  time  it  was  different  and  it  really  scared  me  I  had  no  one  to  turn  to  so  I  decided  to  write  out  my  feelings  and  I'm  glad  I  did  because,  my  true  raw  feelings  were  written  into  a  blog  and  he  had  the  chance  to  read  it  for  himself  and  it  helped  me  because  I  wouldn't  have  been  able  to  say  it  as  I  really  want  to  say  it,  I've  always  been  better  with  writing  my  words  than  speaking  with  them.  I  want  this  man  to  be  my  husband  one  day,  I  can't  see  anybody  else  that  would  fill  his  shoes.  I  could  never  have  anyone  like  him,  because  hes  the  only  one  and  thats  how  I'd  like  it  to  be.  I  just hope that  he'll  be  able  to  feel the  same  way  about  me...(.. before  its  too late)  We've  built  so  much  together,  I  can't  imagine  the  pain  of  seeing  it  all  crumble.  He's  right,  I  am  lucky  he  isn't  that  person  to  just  leave,  any  other  relationship  would  have  ended  last night  but  hes  still here.  We  have  a  son  together  and  as  I  said  when  he  first  asked  me  if  we  should  get  married..  (in  his  mom's  house  when  we  first  found  out  I was  pregnant)  I  don't  want  to  get  married  just  because  we  have a  kid  together,  I  want  to  be  married  because  I'm  loved  and  because  he  wants  to  spend  the  rest  of  his  life  with me.  As  he said... those  words  mean  alot.. they  mean  alot  to  me  too  because  I  don't  want  to  be  divorced .. ever.  Maybe  thats  why  we  never  did  get  married.. because in  the  back  of  our  minds  we've  always  had  the  thought  of  .. if  we  get  married  will  it  last  or  will I  be  happy.  We  have  alot  together,  I  want  this  for  us,  Joseph  deserves  a  family  and  mother  and  father  both  in  the  home.  I  can't  imagine  him  without  either  of  us.  I  can't  imagine  him  going  back  and  forth  from  one  person  to  the  other.  It  just  doesn't  fit  him,  he  doesn't  deserve  that  seperation.  But  it  takes  two  people  to  make a  relationship  work.  I  really  hope  we  are  strong  enough  to  make  this  work  and  just  to  love  each  other.  We  shouldn't  have  to  try  to  love  each  other,  I  know  its  not  Jose  I  have  to  learn  to  love,  its  me.  When  I  love  myself,  he'll be  able  to  see  how  I  really  feel  about  him.  I  put  myself  in  the  way,  I  could look  back  and  just  see myself,  I  could  see my face  and  my  mannerisms,  I  don't  like  it  but  what  was  going  through my  mind  was  all  self-loathing  of  how  much  I  wasn't  happy  with  myself  that  no  one  could  ever  be  happy  with  me.. thats  what it was  and  thats  what  I  have  to  get  past.  I really  feel  a  change,  it  was  like  a  realization,  a  reality  check  and  maybe  that  needed  to  happen  to  put  it  all on  the  table  ...  this  is  what  I have,  do  you want  to  lose  this?  my  answer  is  no,  I  don't  want  to  lose  this,  I've  been  waiting  for  something  to  motivate  me,  for  me  to  leave  this  person  behind (this  person  inside  of  me  who  doesn't  like ME)  I  just  hate  that  It  had  to  be  something  I  cherish  the  most,  my  family.  But  if  thats  what  it  takes  for  me  to  change  I  will do  it.  Because  I  want  this,  I  really  want  this.  I  don't  know  how  Jose  feels  this  morning  but  I  feel  I  have  already  took  a  step  forward  just  from  hearing  what  needed  to  said. I  want  him  in  my  future  and  not  just  as  Josephs  dad  but  as  my  husband  forever...when  he's  ready  I'm  here.  I'll  be  here  waiting.  God,  i  want  this  to  work,  if  theres  one  gift  you  can  give  me,  give  me  this.  I  don't  want  to  hurt myself  anymore,  I  just  want  the  security  to  know  that  my  family  will always  be  my  family.  Now  is  the  time.