I feel numb... ok, well... this morning I woke up from a really bad dream, which I posted in dreammoods.com under relationships.. ugh. well the dream was about jose.. he cheated on me and I caught him aaannnddd I killed the girl I ended up in prison and I had to watch my mom and dad carry Joseph away..that sums up the dream. so I woke up feeling really really bad I just had a terrible feeling.. I posted my dream on dreammoods.com to have it interpreted which I also tried to define it myself online and it said something about being guilty and that dreaming of cheating is insecurities or that it really is happening which I couldn't and won't dare to believe. He called and asked for some money..so I got ready and joseph ready to take it over to him, he asked if I could leave it in his truck but when I arrived he was already outside...everything seemed ok but I still felt shitty. I went back home and got some money, I took jospeh down to the swap meet... but I really just wanted to go to my auntie sharon's house to talk. I figured to just take joseph to my dads house to visit so I could visit but he wasn't home so I just took him there. my aunt and I had a really long hurtful conversation, I was just so much in pain, I just let it all out onto her and just cried, I was afraid that me and jose wouldn't make it in our relatioinship. I cried and prayed with her that things will all be ok and things would work out. I stayed for about 2 hours talking with her, I think jojo was scared to see me crying but he was there..hugging me. we went home and I cleaned and waited for jose, it took him almost a whole extra hour to get off of work. he came home and took his time, he got ready and we went to globe to buy joseph shoes and my cleansing products. he bought beer and we went home. the whole time I just didnt feel good, he didnt seem himself, he was the person he becomes when hes drinking and in the truck. when he wasn't looking or not around.. I cried alittle, it hurt me because he didnt want to really talk to me about whats been going on he just wanted to drink and listen to music. we came home and drank alittle outside and smoked a couple cigarettes and everything was starting to feel.. somewhat ok but there was still that...disconnection. we came back in and everything was fine for about 20 minutes until his cell phone was buzzing, he went up stairs and I seen a picture of a girl..."kris" I was so upset I ran up the stairs and asked who's kris, who is this, who is this!? he was starting to push me away and said shes just a friend, who is she, who is she, where did you meet her, how do you know her? he was looking out the window and honestly I was expecting to see her but it was loren I was so upset I ran down stairs and asked him do you know about kris, who is kris, do you know her and he was just looking at me all...kinda shocked. he just said no, not knowing what was going on. jose came out and said he has nothing to do with it, its between me and you, he apologzed to loren and said sorry you had to come in the middle of this. I was so upset I wanted so much to cry but I couldnt but I was really upset. I had so many questions and he didnt want to answer but eventually after I calmed down he told me, they met at apache burger.. where he works..and they've only been talking, I asked if they had sex and he said no, they've only talked at work and on the phone and its been going on for about 3 weeks or so..and the night he took off, he wasn't with her but he was talking on the phone to her. i knew he was talking to someone on the phone but i didnt know who because loren was working. everything all made sense why he was on the phone talking half the night and why hes been so distant. I really wanted to work things out bit it just wasn't going to happen. we calmly talked about what would happen next, I'm moving out.. I'm gonna live with my parents and we talked about what I could take and how things would work. he said.. its not so much about the girl but she did indeed push the break up but that he was unhappy for a really long time and that he's been "looking" for a long time, but i knew that and thats where my insecurities were and i was right about them. he said he's always had the lust in his eyes that no matter what he couldnt change. I wanted to settle down and he really tried but its just not how he wants to be. we actually.. just held each other and cried and said we were sorry that things couldnt work out for us but we have to keep things civil for our son. I made him read my last blog while I went to my parents house at 11 o clock at night to break the news.. they both said they knew it that they knew something was going on with him and it was my mom who predicted that he was seeing someone from apache burger.. tj noline does hire "pretty" It seemed like the only time I really cried was when I told my parents, I held it together but i did cry. they were shocked but it was only for a brief moment. I dont know how I feel, I'm upset but it just doesnt feel real yet, I'm laying next to him right now, he has to get up to work in about an hour, I can't sleep. I just can't feel it yet but I know I'll be crying when I'm packing up all my stuff. we did have a good talk....it wasn't like an argument I was only bitter when I first found out about the girl but it just went away because he said i wouldnt end our relationship for a girl I just met 3 weeks ago but it did help end it, its been building up for a long time and if we continue "i'd only be hurting you" and its true. It sounds weird but I felt him missing in my heart. I really felt a piece of emptiness in my heart and it hurt and thats what I felt this morning.. this morning hurt more than it hurts now...for now. I dont know how I'll feel later, I know it will hit me sleeping in a bed alone at my parents house with jojo. he said...be strong, you wont be alone, i'll be the one who will be alone because when I come home from work everything will be gone. its true but I just cant help to think that hes only gonna be single for a short amount of time. its gonna hurt to see them together or just even see him by himself without me and jojo or him with jojo leaving me. i didnt want this, I couldnt imagine this happening to me and I still can't believe it. he said the same that it doesnt feel real it just feels like another night. but tomorrow theres gonna be alot of changes being made. I more upset when I think of jojo. Im so tired but I just can't sleep my head hurts and my eyes wont shut. I don't know how to get past this but I do have a plan.. I'm still gonna stick to the plan that I made but I'm gonna start going to church with my auntie. I've been wanting to go for so long, I've been trying to hint to him. theres another thing I mentioned when we were just telling eachother how we felt, I was crying.. I said I had a secret that I really really wanted another baby with him and I was hoping joseph could have a sister.. or even brother.. I cried telling him that, I was in his arms laying in bed with him and I just cried he told me not to cry and be strong. I know its gonna be along time before I start dating. I have to improve myself first but thats the last thing on my mind.. but it is on my mind that I don't want to be alone. but I dont want to rush into something and end it quickly...I just want to be happy and finish school begin nursing and have my own things he asked me... what do you want from me.. i dont want to leave you with nothing and I just asked.. if he could help me get a car. for me and jojo..hes giving me a truck..his favorite only because I can't drive standard only until he gets me a car. I'm at least glad that we could make these decisions without fighting but its only the first night and we havent literally left eachother yet so we'll see how it feels in the morning.. I'm ok...i think its because I prayed alot today and he mentioned which I forgot myself... that I saged the entire house even salted the outside of the house. he said maybe if i didnt and we or I drank more this could have gotten really ugly or physical. I reread my blogs now that I know the truth.. and I could see that I knew..I knew what was going on but I just didnt want to believe it. I couldnt allow myself to believe that he would be unfaithful, at least he didnt have sex that would have been a ba
My mood: extremely numb
Jose and I had a long..emotional conversation last night, I'm glad we finally said everything that has been building up in our minds but, I dont know exactly how I feel about it. I'm happy its out and we know what we really want out of this relationship but a part of me is still afraid this won't work. I really really really want it to work out. It really hurt me when he mentioned seperating but the reality was that I knew that would come up in the conversation. Obviously we both had those thoughts about how our lives would differ without each other, we both thought about what would happen if we went our seperate ways.. but when I look at it, all I could see is that I would hurt for a really long time. If he left me I'm afraid I wouldn't be strong enough to take care of things that matter the most.. Joseph... and myself. I know how I am and how strong my emotions are I just hope our relationship doesn't go that route. I really want to help myself now to help our relationship along the way. I'm all up for helping our relationship grow for the better but, I could only do so much, Jose is in this relationship too. If he doesn't want to be with me and make changes and look forward this won't change. I feel soo much better from just hearing the truth after so long, I was drained emotionally from crying and pouring everything out "on the table" but It made me feel like there's still hope, I could still hope for the best and that we will still be Angela and Jose. I want this family together but I want love in this family and thats something we need to work on. I have no problem giving love to this family its the love I need to give to myself for all of this to work. I know Jose has a lot to work out for himself but thats out of my hands all I can do is show him how much I care about him and how much I DO LOVE HIM. My stubborness has gotten in the way of my feelings but once I get hurt its like all that love I really do feel for him just turns to pain when I hear about how I look on the outside. Like last night.. when he said if my soul doesnt love your soul it won't work, it just felt like a knife to my heart to hear he's not in love with me. All I want is Jose to love me but I can't force him, I want it to be real and straight from his heart and I will know when and if its real or not. I really felt the disconnection we've had for the past couple of days it was something I've never felt in this relationship before. We've had our fights and arguments but this time it was different and it really scared me I had no one to turn to so I decided to write out my feelings and I'm glad I did because, my true raw feelings were written into a blog and he had the chance to read it for himself and it helped me because I wouldn't have been able to say it as I really want to say it, I've always been better with writing my words than speaking with them. I want this man to be my husband one day, I can't see anybody else that would fill his shoes. I could never have anyone like him, because hes the only one and thats how I'd like it to be. I just hope that he'll be able to feel the same way about me...(.. before its too late) We've built so much together, I can't imagine the pain of seeing it all crumble. He's right, I am lucky he isn't that person to just leave, any other relationship would have ended last night but hes still here. We have a son together and as I said when he first asked me if we should get married.. (in his mom's house when we first found out I was pregnant) I don't want to get married just because we have a kid together, I want to be married because I'm loved and because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. As he said... those words mean alot.. they mean alot to me too because I don't want to be divorced .. ever. Maybe thats why we never did get married.. because in the back of our minds we've always had the thought of .. if we get married will it last or will I be happy. We have alot together, I want this for us, Joseph deserves a family and mother and father both in the home. I can't imagine him without either of us. I can't imagine him going back and forth from one person to the other. It just doesn't fit him, he doesn't deserve that seperation. But it takes two people to make a relationship work. I really hope we are strong enough to make this work and just to love each other. We shouldn't have to try to love each other, I know its not Jose I have to learn to love, its me. When I love myself, he'll be able to see how I really feel about him. I put myself in the way, I could look back and just see myself, I could see my face and my mannerisms, I don't like it but what was going through my mind was all self-loathing of how much I wasn't happy with myself that no one could ever be happy with me.. thats what it was and thats what I have to get past. I really feel a change, it was like a realization, a reality check and maybe that needed to happen to put it all on the table ... this is what I have, do you want to lose this? my answer is no, I don't want to lose this, I've been waiting for something to motivate me, for me to leave this person behind (this person inside of me who doesn't like ME) I just hate that It had to be something I cherish the most, my family. But if thats what it takes for me to change I will do it. Because I want this, I really want this. I don't know how Jose feels this morning but I feel I have already took a step forward just from hearing what needed to said. I want him in my future and not just as Josephs dad but as my husband forever...when he's ready I'm here. I'll be here waiting. God, i want this to work, if theres one gift you can give me, give me this. I don't want to hurt myself anymore, I just want the security to know that my family will always be my family. Now is the time.
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Previous PostsIt doesn't feel real, posted December 30th, 2012
There's no turning back, posted December 28th, 2012
****** life., posted December 27th, 2012
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